end of the year recap

im leisurely lounging on this christmas eve, doing laundry in hyde park, eating a sandwich @ quacks. and lets be frank. i decided to wear shorts and sandals, and sit by the door. people keep walking in here. and its pissing me off. its fucking cold. the wind is strong. i keep getting blasted with frigid air. its not their fault. its my own. because i am dressed inappropriately.

this will be my first christmas away from my family in 28 years. even last year i came home, when i was in colombia. that was a more selfish reason, as i came home to see jazmin. but nevertheless, i came home.

ive stopped caring about xmas. its not important to me anymore. my family thinks im a failure. the girl i love is gone from my life. i havent written in a month. and all these goddamn people keep opening the fucking door. stay inside or go to dolce vita. seriously.

im going to spend xmas with amber and her family. i kind of wanted to just sulk at the house and be alone. but guess not.

i really hope 2010 is a helluva lot better than 2009.

what i did today

sometimes i hate liking girls.

last year, on this day, j asked me to be her girlfriend. i said yes.

a year later, we dont even talk. i dont expect her to pop up suddenly out of nowhere. but i went to kyoto to eat sushi, because we used to. i went to town lake, where wed have lunch sometimes. i went to spiderhouse, to adams park. i didnt drink all day.

im not sad really. but i do miss her. i wish things had turned out differently. but no use begging somebody so ready to turn you loose to the world.

one year ago

i came home to you. to find you in the airport, looking nervous and fine and sexy and mine. now i have nothing of you but you have all of me still.

jason doesnt always capture me in the best light, but he always captures some truth in my face.

lately ive been really sensitive. itll mark a year since i came back from colombia this week.

and im sad.

looking good

so i can hop a plane to colombia, break up with my girlfriend of almost 4 years, move in with a girl i kissed for a night, tear my heart out and live without, but when i have to buy a dress for mindy's holiday office party, i get an anxiety attack in the dressing room.

lucky for me i had doug and tiff, whom i kept sending photos, and who gave me approval. thanks to technology, i was able to conquer my demon.

photo op

my pretty ladies.

tequila with cider

part of the reason i dont like to drink is that i do dumb stuff.

a) drunk dial
b) sayt stuff id never say when im sober

because i want to dial jazmins number, but no longer have it in my phone, i always call bianca instead. so she ends up having to hear me drunk on the phone. luckily she finds it amusing.

then i say stuff, stupid stuff id never say. like telling a girl how if i ever kissed her, id never tell bianca.

totally inappropriate.

then we get to dolce vita, i put my head on the table and sob, uncontrollably, because whatever stupid reason, i miss jazmin. just suddenly. indefinitely.